treading water

My apartment will have comfortable furniture and clean carpet.  I will have fresh flowers and light candles and will always be prepared just in case someone stops by unexpectedly.  I’ll keep a spare bottle of wine and will always have food to throw together into an effortless meal.  The windows will be open and a gentle breeze will bring in the sounds of spring, or a gentle rain.

But right now, I’m not in my apartment.  I’m in the house I share with my husband and other than a floorplan in a rental community my apartment doesn’t exist.  We’re in the process (read: we’re talking about) moving me into the spare room and we have acknowledged an apartment somewhere in the future but beyond that, we’re not going anywhere.

*
I have never been good at treading water.  I make a decision and then I act on it and when I am forced to wait I get impatient and antsy.  It’s a joke among our friends and it’s taken L a few months to grow accustomed to it.

Could I move out tomorrow?  Of course, I have free will.  But it would be disaster in every possible sense of the word.  The longer we stay here the better of a position we’ll be in for the long term.  We bought a foreclosure and my husband has done an incredible amount of work on it, but we still have a ways to go before it’s ready to sell for anything close to what we’re hoping to get.  If we sold now we’d take a substantial hit and what would be the point?

I don’t hate my husband.  This past week has been hard and I’ve felt resentment build and bubble over but I have to remember that the stronger of a foundation we build now the healthier a future B, and we, will have later.

*
Sometimes it feels like I’m doing time, but I don’t know how long the sentence is.  Can we sell by the end of summer?  By the end of the year?  By next summer?  These are conversations my husband won’t entertain because they’re too painful to deal with, and he doesn’t have the answers.  This week he finally agreed that we should plan on selling the house, as opposed to him keeping it, and that’s progress.

*
I’m changing my focus from my apartment to my new room.  I’m taking the guest room because I prefer the bed (a mushy queen as opposed to a firm king) and the beds cannot be moved.  It’s a downgrade because the room is smaller and the closet it smaller but it’s a change and I’m embracing it with everything I’ve got.

I bought a blanket and a lemon candle at Home Goods and I’m scoping out duvet covers and curtains on Ikea.  I have mentally rearranged the room and it’s replacing the apartment as my sanctuary.  I have big plans to christen my new room with episodes of The Wire on warm spring nights.

*
Time will move slowly.  I need to keep my eye on what’s possible, if only I can learn to wait.